I came across a letter that I wrote to myself at some point of struggle and was, once again, surprised at how easily one forgets what they know.  I was very appreciative of myself for having written it down so that I could remember again.  It's funny how hard it can be to tell yourself these things regularly. 

Dear Mat, 

I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time.  I know that, at times, you are filled with doubt.  I want you to know that I am very proud of you for how hard you have worked throughout your life to do what is right and to be true to yourself as well as to those you love.  You have shown tremendous strength and courage.  I know that you have made mistakes along the way.  Some of your choices have been hurtful to others and yourself, but please, try to be as forgiving of yourself as you are of those around you.  You are generous of heart for others so please do the same for yourself.   

I hope that you will always remember that things will work out ok  Your life will never be perfect but, by and large, far more will work toward your favor than against.  It is little consolation during tough times but, at the very least, you know without a doubt that every life experience you have, whether enjoyable or not, always results in growth.  You are always learning and have always been driven by that.  Let that drive you now during this time when you are having difficulty feeling your motor.  I know there are many things you want out of life.  Some of those things, you know, won’t be possible.  Some of them still are.  Trust yourself to know when to act and when to be still in the process of working toward your dreams.  Don’t let yourself be stuck in the mud, but be realistic about what makes the most sense for your life and who you actually are.  Don’t get tricked by who you thought you’d be or who you think you are supposed to be.  You are you, just as you are, for better and worse.  Accept that and find joy in knowing.  

Love,

Mat

Careless Spirit

Careless spirit flying about, ignoring the laws of gravity.
Confined by nothing you soar so high, oblivious of the dangers below.
___
Can’t you see the rules that are in place to protect you, to give you security and peace?
How can you flit so freely in a world so painful and never give it a second thought?

You speak with your heart but where is you mind? Don’t you worry you’ll lose your place?

Without care or concern you soar and then dive pulling up only moments before hitting the ground.
You’ll be ruined and have nothing left if your timing is off by but a moment.
___
Careless spirit of faith, love and hope, refusing to see the despair.
You’ve lost the reality of a life in this world. Where is your healthy sense of fear?
___
Can you teach me your secret? Will you promise it’s true?
What guarantees can you offer to entice me?

Are you stronger than I, braver, more true? Do you see things that I can’t see?
Will you show me, support me and love and adore me even if I can’t get off the ground?

How I want to believe with you. How I want to take flight but these leaden shoes are so heavy.
They are tied to this earth, buried beneath her ground. I don’t see how I’d ever get them off.
___
Carefree spirit flying about, I pray you don’t leave me behind.
I am slow and so heavy but doing my best and with time I might come around.

Solutions Instead of Blame

We all looked on last week in amazement as we began to see the damage caused by the unprecedented winds in Pasadena and the greater San Gabriel Valley. Mother nature showed up in full force and delivered a reminder that life is uncertain and that some things are simply out of our control. Never in recent history had the community faced this type of natural disaster with this magnitude of destruction. City crews and citizens alike worked feverishly to get the debris cleared and return the region to a functional and safe landscape. Southern California Edison faced a gigantic power outage and began round the clock work to get electricity back into the homes of the thousands of people who were left without it. I looked on with admiration for what the citizens had so bravely endured and for the community spirit that was evoked in the mobilization of so many individuals working together to keep things going.

Sadly, not everybody felt this admiration. Instead, some wanted to find blame. It would seem that in an effort to manage the simple truth that we don't like how it feels to be reminded that we are not completely in control, we go a step further and say, well who's to blame. The most disheartening example of this that I heard came from the people that Los Angeles relies on for leadership in times both difficult and prosperous, The County Board of Supervisors. Most specifically, it came from Supervisor Mike Antonovich. I was not present for the hearings between the City Council and Southern California Edison (SCE) so I must acknowledge that the information I have is not all inclusive and could be out of context. However, the few things that I did hear Supervisor Antonivich say at these hearings exemplified the very blame nature that so easily arises in the face of a disaster. Supervisor Antonovich stated an obvious point of the situation but phrased it as an allegation stating to SCE that they did not have a plan. I don't know to what degree SCE did or did not have a plan, but in the face of an unprecedented disaster there can certainly be no exact plan that will precisely address the unique challenges faced in a unique situation. The second indictment made by Supervisor Antonovich was that SCE's efforts to get the word out to citizens regarding safety issues and progress in getting the lights back on, via the media, was "just stupid." Even if in hindsight we decided that this was the least effective of efforts, is there anything supportive or remotely solution oriented in telling people, who were working round the clock to fix something that they had no fault in breaking, that their efforts are stupid?

True leadership is not about finding who is at fault for our problems, especially problems over which we have limited control. True leadership is about contributing to the process of helping people be successful in finding solutions to those problems. Solutions are born from inspiration, creativity and a sense of feeling a part of an effort bigger than yourself. Blame does not inspire. Blame stifles creativity and alienates people and does nothing to move things forward as blame is always about looking back.

I did not like how it felt to witness such divisiveness in the face of disaster and extraordinary human effort. In the face of that feeling, rather than looking to blame, I ask: Supervisor Antonovich, what can we as citizens do to help and support you to find meaningful solutions to real problems?

What of My Time With The Trees?

I do a meditation in which I try to become as much like a rock in the woods as I can. Tonight, when doing this meditation I wondered, what if I was not a rock in the woods but a rock in the desert instead? I lamented the loss of the trees and asked myself, “but what of my time with the trees?” To which I answered “it wasn’t mine, it just was.” My meditation was complete.

Love Takes All Things Into Account

I knew a man once who was a great mentor to me. He taught me everything he knew, he was patient with me, believed in me and never made me suffer my mistakes but simply helped me clean them up. When he died I learned that he had some very serious problems. Things he was involved in had very likely hurt people in a deep and lasting way. I could not reconcile what I knew of him with what I learned about him. I wanted to reject him outright and find fault in all that he had ever said or done. As much as I wanted to I could not. Instead, I had to accept that a person is made up of multiple facets, some that shine with the brightest spark and others that cast doom on all the world. I had to accept that there were parts of him for which I had no respect and parts to which I owed a lifetime debt of gratitude. And even all parts considered, I realized I still loved him and always would.

Learning that I could do that for him brought me closer to believing that, just maybe, I can do it for myself.

Pain's Spark

This is something I wrote after eavesdropping on a coversation about Stacey K. Black's screenblack.

Q-“How do you know that someone is in pain just by looking into their eyes?”

A-“You might think that when you look into the eyes of someone who is in pain you would see nothing, just an empty darkness in a space where all light has been extinguished by this evil life. But that’s not true because where there’s pain there’s actually hope. Without the hope it wouldn’t hurt anymore. Pain is the consequence of hope during times when your dreams won’t come true.

So when you look into the eyes of pain, what you actually see is that spark of hope. A fragile floating ember, blowing on the wind, just waiting to touch down someplace where there is something, anything, that might be ignited if fanned by even the slightest breath of love or goodness.

So that’s how I know…I see that spark.”

The New Me

Many of you know that I just underwent ACL reconstruction surgery. This surgery involves removing the torn ACL from the knee and replacing it with a graft from another ligament or tendon in the body. In my case, the graft for my reconstruction was not taken from my own body but was donated from someone else. My first reaction to this was to be amazed with modern medicine and the ability to accomplish such complex things. I very quickly also began to ponder the notion of having tissue from another body in mine. I flipped through a lot of thoughts ranging from it seeming a little creepy to being excited at the idea of getting to have the opportunity to have such a close connection with another person.

I understood that this tissue (an Achilles tendon in my case) would be harvested from a cadaver, a person who is no longer living. It seems strange now, but it took some time for it to sink in that this would not be a person who's life had run its "natural"course of aging and failing as all bodies eventually will. Such aged tissue would not be a good fix for a knee that will be hoping to dance and jump and run and play for another 30-40 years. I was faced with the truth that the tissue I would receive would come from a person who's life was cut short, someone likely only 20-35 years old.

Whoever this person was, whoever their family was, chose to turn that loss into a gift. In all likelihood, there are a number of people whose lives were saved from this gift, perhaps a heart recipient or kidney or liver. The families who received those gifts surely feel the full gratitude of the generosity involved. Those recipients may want to meet the family at some point to tell them the story of how their loss, became the saving grace for someone else.

Though my life was not saved, it will be significantly improved. It feels very important to honor the gift given me. In comparison to heart and liver transplants, an Achilles graft transplant may seem trivial but in order to have wholeness, it is not. The people who received those larger gifts will forever represent, in fact be connected to, the life giving power of the donor. Those people will represent the life force of the donor and what was notable and evident and special about him or her. I like to think that the gift I received will stand for the the un-notable, everyday aspects of that person. The parts of them that were regular and routine; the parts of them that filled the space between the special and the outstanding moments of their lives; undoubtedly, the parts that their family and loved ones miss the most.