Releasing Judgments Opens Doors to Helping and Being Helped

Parallel parking is something I am generally pretty good at.  I seem to have a  natural sense of where to start the maneuver, when to first begin turning the wheel and how quickly and far to turn it.  These  things seem to be the key to effectively sliding into a space on the first try.  While I usually succeed in hitting it on the first try, sometimes it doesn't go that way.  Halloween night of this year was just such a time.  I was attempting to get a space in a very busy neighborhood.  Cars were coming down the street in rapid succession and children were running about in every which direction in their anticipation of the pending treats.  If ever there was a time that a first try success was desirable, this was it. 

As I made my approach I could see a car coming up behind me and several families standing on the sidewalk just feet away from where I wanted to park.  In haste, I began to back up without completely setting myself in the proper starting position.  I knew immediately that I had not begun right and as such, aborted to start again.  As happens with parallel parking, one bad start usually leads to another and this time was no exception.  As I pulled forward once again to find the right spot cars began to stack up behind me as they could not get by due to oncoming traffic.  I tried to console myself that a few extra seconds now would result in a much more effective effort and would save everyone time in the long run.  The calming self talk was easily overtaken by the shouting in my head yelling "get out of the way, your creating a traffic jam."  I again began the maneuver from the wrong place and again knew it immediately, but this time I did not want to push myself back out into the traffic a third time and jam everything up again.  I knew that it would take a couple of back and forths to get the truck into the space, but I knew I could do this without blocking the traffic and decided to proceed.  As I began to inch my way forward...crank the wheel, and backward...crank the wheel, and forward...crank the wheel and so on, it was quickly evident that it was going to take more that just few repetitions to get the truck where in needed to be.  At this point I felt committed to my method and with irritated resolve I decided to proceed.  Soon, I became aware of a gathering of people who were watching this botch job and I was certain that they were taking bets on how many times I would have to repeat this motion before I would either give up, or make it into my space.  Annoyed as I was that they could be taking pleasure in my pain, I knew that my feeble efforts were undoubtedly entertaining so I had to accept the natural draw for others to watch. 

After what was literally about the 15th repetition of my forward...almost hit the car in front of me, backward...hit the curb with my back tire, a man stepped out of the crowd of roughly 25 people (I swear, I am not exaggerating) and began to guide me.  I wasn't sure if he was acting out of kindness for me or if he just couldn't take it anymore and had to end his own suffering.  I wanted to ignore him and pretend I didn't need his help as if accepting meant I was conceding to the fact that I was incompetent.  At this point, however, my incompetence, at least at this particular moment was undeniable and I really didn't care anymore, I was just so thankful that his assistance might bring the humiliation to an end.  His guidance as to how much room I had between me and the car in front of me was invaluable and quickly netted significant gains from each rocking maneuver I made.  Within about 3 more tries, I was in a good enough position and could finally stop.  When I got out of my truck I was certain that I heard applause though it may just have been people slapping their knees at the hilarity of it all.  I felt compelled to explain myself to the now dispersing audience, but knew that it was pointless.  There was nothing I could say that could reduce the ridiculousness of what had occurred.  So, I head my held high as I gathered the things I needed from my truck and walked away as though everything was perfectly normal.  I felt red faced for quite some time, but eventually was able to shake it off and accept that we can't get through life without being an idiot at least once in a while. 

I had put the entire incident out of my head until yesterday when I arrived at Costco for gas and observed a woman who was pulling around a person at the rear pump to get to the open front pump.  To get passed the car she had to overshoot the gas pump and then back into the space.  She began to do so but quite ineffectively.  She repeatedly attempted to angle her car so that she could get into a spot close enough to the pump but repeatedly made the same error and basically just pulled forward and backward in the same arc over and over again.  My first thought was, "oh my goodness, this woman should not be driving."  My judgements began to swirl in my head with great righteousness until I ran, head on, into my memory of my own inane parking attempt just 6 weeks earlier.  Once the judgment was cleared from my mind, the thought that came was, 'oh, I wish I could help her.'  A much more  positive and potentially productive thought than all of the judgments it replaced.  I quickly ruled it out, however, knowing that by the time I got over to her to offer to help she would, undoubtedly, have it worked out.  Besides that, I know that being approached by a strange man can be uncomfortable for a woman who is alone.  Just as all of this was passing through my mind, she stopped and got out of her car to check her position in relation to the gas pump which, at that point, was exactly the same as it had been when she first began.  The car behind her finished pumping gas and squeaked its way past her as the attendant approached and said, "You're not close enough to the pump."  She nodded in agreement and meekly attempted to explain the difficulty she was having as he turned and walked away.  As all of this was happening, I pulled up to my pump and, as I began to pump my gas she got back in her car and began the whole thing over.  Forward, backward, forward, backward in the exact same arc over and over and over again.  If you saw it in a movie you'd say, "That's so over written." But truth is stranger than fiction and, as endless as my parking fiasco had seemed, hers was even worse. 

I decided that she might be frustrated enough by now to just be grateful for some help rather than being frightened or offended, so I approached her car and tapped on the window.  I asked "Would you like me to help you?"  She looked up, cautious but defeated.  She gave me a look up and down, then opened her car door and, stepping out, said "If you don't mind, I would really appreciate it.  I'm such an idiot."  I smiled warmly and said "It's a rough angle."  I hopped into the car, put it in gear and promptly pulled forward once and then backward right up next to the pump.  As I got out, the woman said meekly as if admonishing herself "Not such a rough an angle, I guess."  Again I smiled and said "Some days things just don't go the way we want."  She replied, "This is definitely one of those days."  She thanked me again and I could tell she felt really embarrassed so I quickly recounted my situation on Halloween night so that she would know that it happens to us all.  As I told her the story, she began to relax and laughed heartily at the absurdity of it all.  I don't know how else to describe the moment except to say that it was one filled with tremendous joy, honesty and compassion.  It affirmed everything I have heard and know about the important things in life.  While I believe that the woman felt she had received a gift, the gift of kindness, I know that she gave me an even greater gift.  The gift of reminding me that, however small or large the ways, my life has meaning. 

As I drove away, I was aware of the importance of the act of releasing judgments in allowing this moment to happen.  I had to release my judgements of her in order to move to the next place of wanting to help.  Additionally, in order to allow me to help her, she also had to release her judgments of herself and what it would mean about her if she admitted needing help, just as I had done for myself a few weeks earlier. 

Letter to my Second Grade Teacher

Below is a letter that I just sent to my second grade teacher that I wanted to share so all could see what an impact one person can have.  Writing to her was a good reminder to me to be ever mindful of the impact I have on the world so that I can do my best to make it a positive one. 


Just wanted to take a moment to tell you that you are one of my first and best role models for honesty, kindness and helping others.  It is wonderful being friends with you on face book because I regularly get to see that you are such a loving person who is always concerned about honesty and kindness and justice.  You are such a loving soul.  It can be hard to know if our perceptions as little kids are accurate but I have learned that my perception of you was quite accurate.

I don't know if I already told you this story, but when I was in your class, there was a substitute teacher one day and, as kids, we took advantage.  I remember very clearly being in the corridor outside the classroom as the recess bell rang.  I was not yet to the door where I was supposed to be.  I knew, without a doubt, that the corridor was a no running zone but I willfully made a decision to run thinking that the substitute teacher might not know I wasn't supposed to.  I felt guilty but pleased when there was no consequence for my rule violation. 

The next day, when you returned, you received the report from the substitute and were very disappointed in all of us for having taken such advantage of her.  In order to have us reflect on the situation you had us stay in from recess and write about what rules we had broken in your absence and what we thought we should do to make amends.  I was horrified and so disappointed in myself for not having considered how our misbehavior would impact you.  I carefully wrote my transgression and offered that I should miss recess for some given number of days as punishment for having taken advantage. 

Upon completing our papers you had us go around the room and read ours.  As the other kids began to read, I was shocked to hear them write about how terrible everyone else had behaved but that they, themselves, had followed all the rules and tried to help the substitute.  I couldn't believe my ears, having been there myself to witness all the things people had done.  My dread deepened with every passing person as, even though I had broken the rule, up to now I knew that the thing I had done was not as out of line as some of the other things kids had done.  (making fun of other kids, mocking the substitute, disrupting the class etc.)  Now, with nobody admitting their part, I was sure to look so bad to you.  I thought that you would think that I was the only one who misbehaved making the substitute's day so terrible and that you would be so disappointed in me. 

When it was my turn, I had a decision to make.  Was I going to tell the truth, or was I going to tell a story of innocence?  Hopefully it is at least in part about my honest nature but might have been as much about my inability to come up with something untrue on such short notice, but I stood and began to read about my blatant disregard of the rule, my knowledge of wrong doing even as I made the choice and what a terrible representative I had been to the substitute as to what an excellent teacher you were.  I felt so guilty I couldn't help but cry.  I looked up at you, expecting to see deep disappointment, but instead I saw tears in your eyes.  You came over to me and wrapped your arms around me and comforted me, telling me how proud you were of me for being honest.  I felt so loved and cared for and really I understood that having been honest about my misbehavior was the only way to make it right.  I think you still made me miss my recess for a couple of days but it was no matter.  I knew that you respected me and that was way more important to me than recess. 

I just wanted to tell you about that because I could feel how heart breaking it is for you to see a world with so much mistrust and so many instances of focusing on the negative and ignoring the positive and often telling nothing but lies.  In the midst of it, never forget that you are not a person who does that.  You are a model of honesty and kindness and just as you taught the value of honesty to me, so did you teach it to thousands of children.  That is your legacy.  That is the the stone you threw in the water of life that will ripple on for years, through generations, because values like that get passed on. 
Just wanted to remind you that with you, and people like you in the world, it is not really as bad a place as some want to make it seem.  Love and compassion cut through it all regardless of what people say.   

With much love and admiration,
Mat

Hope Springs Eternal

My mom was a stay at home mom through most of my childhood, as were most women who became parents in the early 60s.  When she and my father divorced in the early 80’s she knew that she would need to get some training in order to get a job that would provide hope for a better life.  With three children living at home and a fourth barely out of the nest, my mom needed help in order to be able to make it through school and make ends meet at the same time.  She was a resourceful woman and never too proud to put family need over her own comfort. As such, at 32 years old, she swallowed hard and moved back home with her mother,  my Granny.  This alleviated the pressures of monthly rent but did little to provide for the other needs as Granny was retired and on a fixed income which was enough to pay her own expenses but certainly not enough to cover ours as well.  My mom qualified for financial aid which covered her schooling costs but the aid she received was not enough to pay for food, clothes and the costs associated with having school aged children.  In order to cover these costs, she turned to government aid in the form of food stamps and a financial stipend through, what was then termed, Aid to Families with Dependent Children (AFDC).

This aid provided roughly $200 a month in food stamps and $500 a month in cash aid.  Things were tight, but with this money and Granny’s help, we were able to get by while mom returned to school.  In a three year period of time she was able to earn associate’s degrees in General ED and Criminal Justice along with three other degrees that, together, resulted in her ability to get a job in County Corrections that paid a very good salary and had great benefits.

Life was not easy during those years that our family required assistance.  As a teenager, it was embarrassing to go to the store when Mom would be buying groceries with food stamps.  Being in that very self centered time of life, I used to bail on my mom when she would get to the check stand.  I made no effort to conceal my embarrassment from her.  She never made me feel bad for taking off to wait in the car while she braved the looks of judgment and pity that so often greeted her as she checked out.  She had to rest in the knowledge that she was doing her best for her children and not allow herself to worry if anyone else understood.  You can’t explain to every person who hasn’t walked in your shoes, the things that led you to where you are on any given day.

While my close friends understood our family situation, I tried desperately to keep it a secret from the other kids at school.  There was a lot of stigma that went with being on “Welfare,” and I was the first to internalize it and give power to the deep lack of understanding many have regarding whom it is that receives “Welfare” and how such assistance ultimately benefits society.   Most people don’t understand that “Welfare” is for children, it is not for parents.  It simply has to come through the parents because they are the ones charged with taking care of the kids.  The truth is I had no understanding of it at the time myself.  I just knew that it was really embarrassing but, it kept me from being hungry. 

Looking back I regret my response and realize that, rather than feeling embarrassed, I should have felt great pride and gratitude in and for my mom as well as my fellow countrymen and women. My mom because she understood that in order to become independent, she had to allow herself to be dependent for a while and was brave enough to do so.  And my fellow countrymen and women who believed that, as a child, I was valuable enough to invest in and that by so doing, allowed me to progress in such a manner as to have the strength and ability to one day make something of myself. 

As a result of that aid as well as the financial aid I received in College, I was able to follow my mother’s excellent example and go on to college to earn my bachelor’s degree, as well as my master’s degree in, you guessed it, Social Welfare.  Now, I am able to do my part to help families who are in need as mine once was.  I have worked with and been mostly helpful to hundreds of children and families during my career.  Many of those children will now have a better chance of successfully meeting the challenges that life puts in front of them in order to become happy and productive citizens themselves.  It is amazing what $200 in food vouchers and $500 in monetary support can pay for over time.  It’s exponential I would say.   

What if we didn’t wait for things to trickle down?  What if we also allowed them to spring from below to provide hope, refreshment and renewal in this ever struggling world? 

Connecting With the World

I recently did some exploring on my personal blog page and discovered the tracking system that Blogspot uses to give me information about who is viewing my blogs.  It was quite exciting to see that my posts have been viewed by people all over the world.  All told, in addition to the views from readers in the United States, my entries have been viewed by readers from The Philippines, Malaysia, France, Germany, Latvia, Canada, The UK, China and almost 10% of the nearly 1,000 hits I've had thus far are viewers from Russia.

For anyone who has read my profile entry for this blog, you know that when I started writing it, I really cleared my mind of the idea of who might read it and was truly OK if nobody ever read it.  To say that I don't care if anyone reads my blog, however, would be a complete lie. While I do not want what others think to be the drive behind my writing, the fact that it has reached others is very special to me.  It is such a gift whenever anyone takes the time to stop to consider what I have to say. 

To anyone who has read even one entry of my blog, I extend my sincere thanks.  I also very much appreciate it that so many have taken the time to comment, as I know that I often read a blog I enjoy and don't end up leaving a comment to let the author know what I thought.  For anyone who hasn't left a comment but has an opinion to share, I would love to hear from you.  I am so interested to hear how readers from other Countries, as well as The US, came across my blog and what they do or don't like about what I have written.  I am especially curious about the Russian readers as there are so many views from your Country.  It would be so interesting to hear how it is that my blog came to you attention and which entries you have read.  To my best understanding, my settings are now set such that anyone can leave a comment without becoming a follower of my blog.  I hope this makes it quicker and easier to do. 

If it is not your thing to leave a comment, now worries,  I am just so glad you took the time to read. 

спасибо,
Mat

I came across a letter that I wrote to myself at some point of struggle and was, once again, surprised at how easily one forgets what they know.  I was very appreciative of myself for having written it down so that I could remember again.  It's funny how hard it can be to tell yourself these things regularly. 

Dear Mat, 

I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time.  I know that, at times, you are filled with doubt.  I want you to know that I am very proud of you for how hard you have worked throughout your life to do what is right and to be true to yourself as well as to those you love.  You have shown tremendous strength and courage.  I know that you have made mistakes along the way.  Some of your choices have been hurtful to others and yourself, but please, try to be as forgiving of yourself as you are of those around you.  You are generous of heart for others so please do the same for yourself.   

I hope that you will always remember that things will work out ok  Your life will never be perfect but, by and large, far more will work toward your favor than against.  It is little consolation during tough times but, at the very least, you know without a doubt that every life experience you have, whether enjoyable or not, always results in growth.  You are always learning and have always been driven by that.  Let that drive you now during this time when you are having difficulty feeling your motor.  I know there are many things you want out of life.  Some of those things, you know, won’t be possible.  Some of them still are.  Trust yourself to know when to act and when to be still in the process of working toward your dreams.  Don’t let yourself be stuck in the mud, but be realistic about what makes the most sense for your life and who you actually are.  Don’t get tricked by who you thought you’d be or who you think you are supposed to be.  You are you, just as you are, for better and worse.  Accept that and find joy in knowing.  

Love,

Mat

Careless Spirit

Careless spirit flying about, ignoring the laws of gravity.
Confined by nothing you soar so high, oblivious of the dangers below.
___
Can’t you see the rules that are in place to protect you, to give you security and peace?
How can you flit so freely in a world so painful and never give it a second thought?

You speak with your heart but where is you mind? Don’t you worry you’ll lose your place?

Without care or concern you soar and then dive pulling up only moments before hitting the ground.
You’ll be ruined and have nothing left if your timing is off by but a moment.
___
Careless spirit of faith, love and hope, refusing to see the despair.
You’ve lost the reality of a life in this world. Where is your healthy sense of fear?
___
Can you teach me your secret? Will you promise it’s true?
What guarantees can you offer to entice me?

Are you stronger than I, braver, more true? Do you see things that I can’t see?
Will you show me, support me and love and adore me even if I can’t get off the ground?

How I want to believe with you. How I want to take flight but these leaden shoes are so heavy.
They are tied to this earth, buried beneath her ground. I don’t see how I’d ever get them off.
___
Carefree spirit flying about, I pray you don’t leave me behind.
I am slow and so heavy but doing my best and with time I might come around.