I was very excited this weekend to get an inspiration for my blog. I hold back often from writing and singing and sharing my full self because of my fear that others won't like it. The feelings that go with others not liking what comes out of me are some of the most difficult for me to tolerate. In my head I can know that these single incidents of disagreement, disinterest, dislike or in bad cases mockery or rejection, do not add up to define who I am. When it comes to my feelings, however, such experiences set off that internal voice that says "I'm not worthy of love, appreciation or the time or interest of others...I don't really matter." In so many situations, protecting myself from experiencing those feelings wins out, and I hold back from, well, being me.
My good friends gave me a beautiful gift yesterday (though, at first, I didn't think I wanted it), when they responded openly and honestly to what I had written on my blog. I laid awake much of the night, worrying, thinking, deciding what to do. I finally drifted off early this morning and when I awoke, I realized something. I realized that by having a heated response to what I wrote, by taking the time to write that response down as comments on my blog, my friends were acknowledging that what I said mattered to them. They passionately disagreed and that mattered to them. My writing was evocative enough to inspire them to share their thoughts and feelings, to set off a firestorm of ideas and emotions. Our friendship means enough, to us all, to feel the discomfort of our disagreement. If the friendship didn't matter, if their opinions didn't matter to me, and mine to them, then we wouldn't have bothered to worry about what each other thought.
The feelings may not yet be completely settled, but my understanding has deepened, and that little voice inside of me is whispering "Maybe I do matter after all."
Monday, February 16, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
If I Were to Worrie
If I had no job, no family support and no other means of income, I would not choose to bring 8 new children into the world on top of the 6 I already had. Go back 41 years though, and offer me a choice about whether or not a 19 year old girl with an 8th grade education, an abusive husband and no means of independent financial support should have had yet a third child and I might have a different opinion, since that third child was me.
I try not to make judgments about the personal choices of other individuals. I am not perfect and so obviously, the judgments come. But, I do not want to pretend that I know what is best for others. While I do not like the idea of having to pick up the tab for raising someone else's children, I am not the one who will say if those children should or should not have been born. It is true, these children could grow up to be drains on society and leave the world a worse place, but one of them could also be the next Einstein or Gandhi or find the cure for cancer. More than likely, they will be average Joes, like the rest of us. Living mundane lives, not taking much more than they give and not giving much more than they take. Simply weaving themselves into the fabric of human existence.
I try not to make judgments about the personal choices of other individuals. I am not perfect and so obviously, the judgments come. But, I do not want to pretend that I know what is best for others. While I do not like the idea of having to pick up the tab for raising someone else's children, I am not the one who will say if those children should or should not have been born. It is true, these children could grow up to be drains on society and leave the world a worse place, but one of them could also be the next Einstein or Gandhi or find the cure for cancer. More than likely, they will be average Joes, like the rest of us. Living mundane lives, not taking much more than they give and not giving much more than they take. Simply weaving themselves into the fabric of human existence.
I Guess I Do Have An Opinion
Last night, my good friend asked what I think of the octuplet woman from Whittier. I replied quickly, with what I thought was an honest response, "I have no opinion." Within seconds, it was clear that I actually do have an opinion , and a rather strong one at that.
Simply put, I think the woman has become a convenient scapegoat. I know that people feel upset about the social burden that this woman's actions create, and don't get me wrong, I know there will be public cost. But everything has public cost: The parents next door to my mother who have raised over indulged children that now drain public school dollars so that they have a chance of getting an education despite their own unruly behavior. The lady a few houses down who's health is failing and is in the hospital over and over, draining medicaid dollars to extend her life just a little longer. The family two streets down, who bought a house with a mortgage who's monthly payment is more than their monthly income and is now asking for federal money to help them save what they couldn't afford in the first place. The real estate investor, who purchased property under an LLC ( so as to not have personal liability), and once overextended, due to the housing crunch, just walked away and left the burden of the property debt on the banks. The banking execs who lied and cheated or at the very least, recklessly managed their banks into the ground and now drain federal dollars to, not only try to salvage the mess they made, but also line their own pockets with severance pay on the way out the door. The President who ignored the world and set policy after policy that filled the world with fear and fostered hate and would not change his position despite the socioeconomic consequences or cost of human life. The examples are innumerable.
I guess my opinion is that this woman and her children are the least of our worries.
Simply put, I think the woman has become a convenient scapegoat. I know that people feel upset about the social burden that this woman's actions create, and don't get me wrong, I know there will be public cost. But everything has public cost: The parents next door to my mother who have raised over indulged children that now drain public school dollars so that they have a chance of getting an education despite their own unruly behavior. The lady a few houses down who's health is failing and is in the hospital over and over, draining medicaid dollars to extend her life just a little longer. The family two streets down, who bought a house with a mortgage who's monthly payment is more than their monthly income and is now asking for federal money to help them save what they couldn't afford in the first place. The real estate investor, who purchased property under an LLC ( so as to not have personal liability), and once overextended, due to the housing crunch, just walked away and left the burden of the property debt on the banks. The banking execs who lied and cheated or at the very least, recklessly managed their banks into the ground and now drain federal dollars to, not only try to salvage the mess they made, but also line their own pockets with severance pay on the way out the door. The President who ignored the world and set policy after policy that filled the world with fear and fostered hate and would not change his position despite the socioeconomic consequences or cost of human life. The examples are innumerable.
I guess my opinion is that this woman and her children are the least of our worries.
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