Living Through the Feedback

I was very excited this weekend to get an inspiration for my blog. I hold back often from writing and singing and sharing my full self because of my fear that others won't like it. The feelings that go with others not liking what comes out of me are some of the most difficult for me to tolerate. In my head I can know that these single incidents of disagreement, disinterest, dislike or in bad cases mockery or rejection, do not add up to define who I am. When it comes to my feelings, however, such experiences set off that internal voice that says "I'm not worthy of love, appreciation or the time or interest of others...I don't really matter." In so many situations, protecting myself from experiencing those feelings wins out, and I hold back from, well, being me.

My good friends gave me a beautiful gift yesterday (though, at first, I didn't think I wanted it), when they responded openly and honestly to what I had written on my blog. I laid awake much of the night, worrying, thinking, deciding what to do. I finally drifted off early this morning and when I awoke, I realized something. I realized that by having a heated response to what I wrote, by taking the time to write that response down as comments on my blog, my friends were acknowledging that what I said mattered to them. They passionately disagreed and that mattered to them. My writing was evocative enough to inspire them to share their thoughts and feelings, to set off a firestorm of ideas and emotions. Our friendship means enough, to us all, to feel the discomfort of our disagreement. If the friendship didn't matter, if their opinions didn't matter to me, and mine to them, then we wouldn't have bothered to worry about what each other thought.

The feelings may not yet be completely settled, but my understanding has deepened, and that little voice inside of me is whispering "Maybe I do matter after all."