I was very excited this weekend to get an inspiration for my blog. I hold back often from writing and singing and sharing my full self because of my fear that others won't like it. The feelings that go with others not liking what comes out of me are some of the most difficult for me to tolerate. In my head I can know that these single incidents of disagreement, disinterest, dislike or in bad cases mockery or rejection, do not add up to define who I am. When it comes to my feelings, however, such experiences set off that internal voice that says "I'm not worthy of love, appreciation or the time or interest of others...I don't really matter." In so many situations, protecting myself from experiencing those feelings wins out, and I hold back from, well, being me.
My good friends gave me a beautiful gift yesterday (though, at first, I didn't think I wanted it), when they responded openly and honestly to what I had written on my blog. I laid awake much of the night, worrying, thinking, deciding what to do. I finally drifted off early this morning and when I awoke, I realized something. I realized that by having a heated response to what I wrote, by taking the time to write that response down as comments on my blog, my friends were acknowledging that what I said mattered to them. They passionately disagreed and that mattered to them. My writing was evocative enough to inspire them to share their thoughts and feelings, to set off a firestorm of ideas and emotions. Our friendship means enough, to us all, to feel the discomfort of our disagreement. If the friendship didn't matter, if their opinions didn't matter to me, and mine to them, then we wouldn't have bothered to worry about what each other thought.
The feelings may not yet be completely settled, but my understanding has deepened, and that little voice inside of me is whispering "Maybe I do matter after all."
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"Fear that others won't like it..."
"...not worthy"
"I hold back from being me"
I am glad that your early morning epiphany last year helped you realize that you really do matter to people, and that what you have to say counts.
My friend, I've known that Texas-sized heart of yours for many moons now. Way back when, I observed countless situations where you took the time to listen to others, and to help in whatever way you could. You spent time explaining and guiding. You genuinely cared when some of those around you just went through the motions. You touched many a life way back when, because you were authentic and real, and it showed.
But there is a tradeoff - someone with a heart like that is bound to also worry about what others think; it's another facet of that caring personality type. The caring and the worry, they seem to go hand in hand. And after all, we all have that fear of rejection at some level. Funny part is, at least where friends are concerned, it is largely unfounded.
You were one of the good guys, and that hasn’t changed…
Trust me my friend, you have no need to hold back who you are, for you are as genuine as they come. How you feel on the inside is, well, that’s for you to deal with. But to your friends, you are the Matman – you have nothing to worry about.
Don’t ever stop picking up your pen and sharing…
(ok, I meant your keyboard…= )
P.S. - “Our friendship means enough, to us all, to feel the discomfort of our disagreement.” Wow… good stuff Judd… may I quote you?
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